Years ago, a package was delivered to our house for one of our college-aged children. I called my son and told him about it, and he sounded confused because he could not remember what it was. I offered to open it up for him, and he said, no, that he would pick it up next time he was at our house. Then he mentioned that, “you and dad would not want me opening packages of yours” with the inference that it would violate our privacy.
Though he has known me his whole life, my son does not know me very well. The truth is that my life, at least for the last forty years or so, is remarkably boring.
There are aspects of my life that I do not share with others, but what I buy on-line or what I am drawn to on the internet are open books. Law enforcement and prosecutors routinely issue subpoenas for the internet history of suspected murderers to bolster cases against them. I am astounded criminals use search terms such as, how to dispose of a body so that it cannot be found or how to poison someone with over-the-counter drugs without also looking up how to delete your internet search history. But maybe I am missing something.
On a whim, I reviewed my internet google history from my office computer recently. I found that I stay pretty on-task while at work, at least as can be gleaned from internet research:
KeyBank (reviewing law firm bank accounts)
Bank of American (ok, so who does not check their personal bank accounts each day at work?)
Seattle attorney (researching a new opposing counsel)
www.americanfunds/retiresponsor (I maintain and upload 401(k) contributions for the firm)
Seattle law firm (researching the website of an attorney I was making a referral to)
Revised Code of Washington
US Bankruptcy Court, Western District of Washington (reviewing a bankruptcy filing for a case)
What is legal malpractice tail coverage (a retired lawyer in our firm had a question)
Inglewood Golf Course (site of a lunch that my partner was attending; he needed directions)
Everett law firm (for a referral to someone)
Seattle law firm (website of a co-counsel on a major case)
Half-marathon training plans (oops, well maybe this was while I was eating lunch at my desk)
Tacoma law firms (researching an opposing counsel)
Seattle law firms (wow, I research opposing attorneys more than I thought!)
For contrast, I reviewed the history of my home office computer, and it was more entertaining:
WordHippo.com
Biking in Portugal
Mailchimp login
Squarespace login
Covid vaccine reactions
CNN news Jeff Toomey (he is why I do not watch CNN anymore)
Walmart near me (no clue why I looked this up)
What are sculpted brows (heard this term on a radio conversation but had no idea what this was)
What does somnolent mean (yes, I knew what it meant; I was trying to figure out the spelling)
What is the most expensive wood?
Can asphalt be laid in the rain?
Amazon login
Pixels.com login
Chewy.com login
Bank of America login
Porcellanato tile (looking to match our bathroom tile; discovered it is a needle in a haystack)
What does a sinus headache feel like?
Out of curiosity, I surveyed my Amazon purchases since January 1, 2021. I wondered if my buying record revealed anything about me. Here is what I bought:
Wood polish and conditioner
Calcium gummies
Desk stool for my home office
Stool cover
Utility mats for the garage
Lipliner (hey, it was pre-COVID vaccine; I did not want to go to the drugstore)
Art frame
Foam cushion (that desk stool seat was hard as a rock!)
Melatonin sleep aid (I wake up at 5:00 a.m.)
Blackout curtains (still waking up at 5:00 a.m.)
Outdoor dog bed (for some reason our dogs want to lie on the concrete patio instead)
Under Armour running shirt (used a birthday gift card)
After reviewing this list, I realize that I might be the most boring shopper on the face of the planet. I have never bought, and will never buy, exotic cookware, rock climbing crampons, designer high heels, or arial-camera drones. I also realize that anyone is welcome to open our Amazon purchases; I will not give a hoot.
Porch piracy is on the rise, so I suspect that at some point someone will steal an Amazon box from our front entry. The chattel thieves will be thrilled that they got away with it, but when they get home and open the box, they will find nothing exotic or expensive in there. And if they are hoping for something kinky or questionable for purposes of blackmail, I will have the last laugh: enjoy those Calcium gummies!